Postpartum Body Image

maternity jeans | nursing tank

I feel like the postpartum body is being talked a lot about more lately. Women are fighting back against the idea of “bouncing back” and encouraging themselves and each other to not push it, let their body heal, be proud of their new body, stretch marks and all, and not to worry about it “yet”, just enjoy their newborn. I see lots of women posting about how they love their postpartum body, and are proud of stretch marks, extra rolls & cellulite, whether it’s just there in the postpartum phase or sticks around.

I support all of that, I think it’s important for women to give their bodies a break, they’ve been through a trauma and the body needs time to heal. I think it’s also important to recognize what a body that grew and gave birth to a child has done, it’s amazing. It’s important for women to feel empowered about choosing to appreciate WHAT their body has done over WHAT it looks like.

I am incredibly proud of my body, and I appreciate it for being able to bring life into this world. But is it okay for me not to LOVE my postpartum body? I am not necessarily thrilled about the extra weight I’ve gained all over or how my stomach hasn’t “bounced back” yet. This pregnancy and postpartum period I’m definitely taking body image a little harder than I did last time. I gained a lot more weight during my second pregnancy and now have a lot more weight to lose postpartum to get back to where I felt comfortable. Every body and every pregnancy is different.

In total during my first pregnancy I gained 35 pounds, which felt manageable at the time. I quickly dropped 20 pounds when I gave birth and the week after, and then just had 15 pounds to lose. Between breastfeeding and endlessly wearing and bouncing my baby I lost the rest within the first 4 weeks. I was back in non-maternity clothes almost right away, and I was able to go right back to my regular jeans. My stomach went back to it’s regular shape pretty quickly and, that was that!

This pregnancy was a totally different story. The last few months before I gave birth I couldn’t even bear to look at the scale. At the doctor I would look the other way when they were weighing me because I knew I would hate the number I saw and I felt like I was just continuing to gain weight no matter what I did. A few days before I gave birth I stepped on my scale at home, but didn’t look at the number, just took a picture because I knew in a few weeks I’d want to know how much weight I really had gained. True to form, a few weeks after Reese came I scrolled back and took a peek…I had gained 55 pounds. I wasn’t shocked, but I wasn’t necessarily happy. I think the part that made me the most discouraged wasn’t the number, (although gaining 20 pounds MORE than I had during my last pregnancy was alarming) it was more just how my clothes fit and what I saw in the mirror.

I have struggled with body image for as long as I can remember. Postpartum body image is a whole other beast. Somehow mom guilt finds its way to get in there. Am I being selfish thinking about how my body looks instead of just focusing on my newborn? Is it wrong for me not to be proud of my stomach that held my child for 10 months because now it hangs over my jeans when it never used to? Can I hate the fact that my thighs and butt still can’t fit into my pre-pregnancy jeans yet? It feels petty to be concerned with body image at a time like this, but IT’S HOW I FEEL. Can’t help it.

Some women really don’t gain much weight aside from their baby and extra fluids, and that’s great, that’s just clearly not my body…and just know that I hate you if you’re that mom 🙂 . However, I’ve been noticing that many women who have gained weight are celebrating their postpartum bodies…saying they love their stretch marks, they’re a badge of honor, that they look at their extra dimples of cellulite and are proud that their body created life, that parts of their body jiggle a little more than before, but they’re just thinking about their cute new baby. I wish I could be one of those women who are kind when they look in the mirror, who are patient getting back to the weight they used to be, and who aren’t struggling with the extra layer they put on. But I’m just not. And I need that to be okay too. I need to not feel guilty or less than because I’m not okay with my current postpartum body, because I just don’t feel comfortable in my own skin.

Here I am at 4 weeks postpartum exactly. My stomach still sticks out and is mushy. I can only still fit into my maternity pants because my thighs and butt have really taken on a life of their own. And even though it’s summer, no part of my wants to wear anything but long sleeves because my arms are bigger too. I’m not exactly over here celebrating every new ounce of fat. I’m not comparing my body to others’ bodies, pregnant, postpartum or neither, I’m just comparing it to its former self and how I feel in it.

I think for me there’s room to feel proud and appreciative of my body, but also to not love the postpartum figure I see in the mirror even though it did an amazing thing, and that just has to be okay.

-SHOP THE POST-